Life is like a butterfly. You can either chase it or let it come to you.
Stepping onto a new path is difficult and scary, but nothing is as scary or as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.
I am stuck where I don’t belong and I am frightened. I have lost my wings and I don’t know how to fly.
I am one decision away from a totally different life.
It is not hard to make the decision, and in truth, I have already made it. What is hard is thinking about the results of what I have decided.
The decision; Reporting my abuser, my stepfather, to the police.
I know it is the right decision. I know that I finally have to let go of what is hurting my heart and soul but I am afraid. I am afraid and sad.
This decision means I have to let go of the only family I have ever known. The family who were meant to love me. The ones who, for reasons I cannot understand yet, I have cared for even after everything they have done.
The thought of losing my mother and my nan makes me sad, but I know it is the right thing to do. In reality they have never been a mother or a nan to me. What is hard, is that knowing with the decision to report my abuser, I risk losing my siblings. I risk losing them more than I already have and that hurts. It is the thing that has always held me back; that they may choose to support my abuser. However I have to find the courage to accept the things that I cannot change.
I am fighting a war in my mind. I am losing. I am falling and I wish more than anything that someone could do this for me….but they can’t.
I have to find the courage to move beyond fear and to move forward. I have to be brave enough to say goodbye to the people who took my childhood and hurt me the most. I have to take the first step. I have to report him.
I have to walk into that police station and tell them what he did to me. I have to tell my story and relive every moment through that little girls eyes. I cannot protect them anymore. I have to tell the truth. I have to own my story.
I have to be brave enough to take a risk and let down my walls. I have to take a chance and let people in. I have to find my voice.
This journey is going to get harder before it gets easier, but it will get better, I just have to make it through the hard stuff. Through the hardest decision of my life.
Life’s hardest decision is the decision to be yourself. I lost myself the first day he laid a hand on me.
Now, like a butterfly I am growing and changing. I am finding my strength. I am finding my wings so that I can fly and finally create my own journey and not stay on this journey they put me on.
I survived the abuse. I can survive the recovery.
I am frightened and it will be hard.
It is hard to fly when something is weighing you down.
I just need to take a leap of faith and find my wings on the way down.
My wings are there, they do exist, they are just broken and hiding. I need to find them and teach myself how to fly.
I have been hiding my wings, my story, my whole life.
I am done hiding them now.
Thanks for reading.