I’m done hiding my wings.

butterfly 3Never hide your wings. They show the strength you have become.

Life is like a butterfly. You can either chase it or let it come to you.

Stepping onto a new path is difficult and scary, but nothing is as scary or as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.

I am stuck where I don’t belong and I am frightened. I have lost my wings and I don’t know how to fly.

I am one decision away from a totally different life.

It is not hard to make the decision, and in truth, I have already made it. What is hard is thinking about the results of what I have decided.

The decision; Reporting my abuser, my stepfather, to the police.

I know it is the right decision. I know that I finally have to let go of what is hurting my heart and soul but I am afraid. I am afraid and sad.

This decision means I have to let go of the only family I have ever known. The family who were meant to love me. The ones who, for reasons I cannot understand yet, I have cared for even after everything they have done.

The thought of losing my mother and my nan makes me sad, but I know it is the right thing to do. In reality they have never been a mother or a nan to me. What is hard, is that knowing with the decision to report my abuser, I risk losing my siblings. I risk losing them more than I already have and that hurts. It is the thing that has always held me back; that they may choose to support my abuser. However I have to find the courage to accept the things that I cannot change.

I am fighting a war in my mind. I am losing. I am falling and I wish more than anything that someone could do this for me….but they can’t.

I have to find the courage to move beyond fear and to move forward. I have to be brave enough to say goodbye to the people who took my childhood and hurt me the most. I have to take the first step. I have to report him.

I have to walk into that police station and tell them what he did to me. I have to tell my story and relive every moment through that little girls eyes. I cannot protect them anymore. I have to tell the truth. I have to own my story.

I have to be brave enough to take a risk and let down my walls. I have to take a chance and let people in. I have to find my voice.

This journey is going to get harder before it gets easier, but it will get better, I just have to make it through the hard stuff. Through the hardest decision of my life.

Life’s hardest decision is the decision to be yourself. I lost myself the first day he laid a hand on me.

Now, like a butterfly I am growing and changing. I am finding my strength. I am finding my wings so that I can fly and finally create my own journey and not stay on this journey they put me on.

I survived the abuse. I can survive the recovery.

I am frightened and it will be hard.

It is hard to fly when something is weighing you down.

I just need to take a leap of faith and find my wings on the way down.

My wings are there, they do exist, they are just broken and hiding. I need to find them and teach myself how to fly.

I have been hiding my wings, my story, my whole life.

I am done hiding them now.

Thanks for reading.

2 thoughts on “I’m done hiding my wings.

  1. Well done and it is the best thing to do but you are right it is not going to be easy. I can hear the strength and resolve in your words. Your Step-Father deserves to be punished for his abuse against you, I hope you find your wings.

    Liked by 1 person

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