Hoping with a fragile heart.

hopePain is real but so is hope.

Even on our darkest days there is always hope. I believe that it really is the only thing stronger than fear because if it wasn’t I am not sure I would still be here.

People keep telling me not to lose hope. They tell me that things will get better and that I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I wonder if these people step into my shoes and walk my journey, if they could get as far as I have. I am tired and I want to give up.

See the thing is, I do know what will tomorrow will bring and it will be the same as today. It will bring more pain and sadness and my heart will ache to the point where I can hardly breathe. I will struggle to get through the day without having tears in my eyes and wanting to cry. I will struggle to get through the day without hating myself and wanting to self-harm.

I have been through hell. I have to relive that hell and because of that people think I am strong but I am not. I am not invincible or unstoppable. Sometimes I don’t know whether this journey is killing me or making me stronger but I do know that, as each day goes by, I am slowly losing hope.

Today I cannot stop wondering just how many more times I will be knocked down during this journey and if I will be strong enough to get back up. I wish I could fast forward time to see if all this pain is worth it.

I feel like I am walking down an endless path and that I am still waiting for progress to come my way. I see no end to this journey and I feel like a failure.

Yet no matter how many times I breakdown and feel that I can’t go on, there is always a little piece of me somewhere deep down inside telling me to get back up. It tells me it will all be OK in the end.

I don’t know where that piece of me comes from because I feel like I am hitting rock bottom, I don’t have much more to give. Maybe it is the dream of freedom and happiness, a dream that my heart makes. Maybe that is what is keeping me going. Maybe that is my hope.

Hope is an open heart. Hope is believing that things can change. Hope gives us wings to fly when we feel like we are falling.

Maybe hope is what gets me out of bed each morning when I want to curl up and disappear. Maybe it is the voice deep down inside me that keeps telling me to get back up every time I fall. Maybe hope is the thing keeping me going when I feel like I can’t go on.

Hope is sometimes all we have when we have nothing else.

Someone close to me said recently “When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on” I am at the end of my rope. I am tired and I am frightened. I am trying to hang on.

I do not know what hope feels like anymore but I must have some somewhere as I keep going.

I guess we always have hope even when we are at our lowest. It keeps us going and keeps us believing in life.

I have to allow myself to hope. I have to try to believe in myself even when feeling like a failure. I have to believe that holding on and hoping will make my heart stronger.

I don’t know where I am going and I don’t know if I can make it to the end of this journey. I just hope that I am not alone.

I have to allow myself to hope. Hope makes a broken heart stronger.

Were it not for hope my heart  would have shattered already.

My fragile heart is hoping but it is ready to give up. Don’t drop it, it will shatter.

Hope is inside all of us. Hope is inside of me.

I just have to find it again.

I have to find my wings to fly.

Thanks for reading.

5 thoughts on “Hoping with a fragile heart.

  1. The one thing I know for certain is that you are not alone. I hear your hope in your writing. Perhaps it’s the connections you are making with other survivors, those who get this and remind you are not alone. Each time you find the strength to sit down at your keyboard and write about where you are and how you are feeling there is hope. Hope that by releasing the pain through words and connecting that things might just get the tiniest bit easier in that moment, hour or day. You are strong and you are still here. There is hope in that. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve been trying to find a quote I came across last week that I think you would like but of course I can’t find it. I’ll keep looking. It was about pain and how the suffering comes from wanting the pain to go away. I found it eye opening. Maybe there will be something in it for you.

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  2. Knowing you’re not alone and feeling that can sometimes be at odds with each other. Everyones journey is so different as is the abuse suffered and trying to make sense of what happened can be endless. However even with a fragile heart you are still in hope of continuing your journey which sounds like a really tough but necessary one in your healing process. I know you are tired but this is your journey and I hope you have the courage to continue towards resolving the many conflicts that you experience.

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    1. Thank you Hilary x

      I am trying to find the courage to keep going. I am just so tired.

      I am afraid of how much more pain is to come. I am not sure I can cope with much more.

      Thank you for your continued support. It means so much to me xxx

      Like

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