Trust is a shattered mirror.

heartPlease don’t blame me for my trust issues. During my childhood I learned very quickly that we should be careful who we trust.

Trust is a huge word; it either makes something or destroys it.

Trust is earned. Respect is given. Loyalty is demonstrated. Betrayal of any one of these and you lose all three.

This is the case for a lot of victims of childhood sexual abuse. We are betrayed early on in our lives by someone we should have been able to trust. Once that happens we lose all aspect of trust.

I have been betrayed too many times in my life and I stopped trusting people at an early age. What is worse for me is that lately I have been hurt all over again and now I have stopped trusting myself and my instincts.

It is hard to trust someone when nearly everyone you ever opened up your heart to has let you down and pushed you away.

Trust takes years to build, yet it can take seconds to break and forever to repair. It is like a mirror; once broken you can never look at it the same way again.

For me trust means everything and once it is broken sorry means nothing.

People keep telling me that they are always here for me but then they are the ones that walk away first. My greatest pain and most intense hurt come from those that I have loved and trusted the most. They say they are sorry but the damage is already done.

I am learning not to trust words but to trust actions. My heart has been broken too many times for me to trust easily. For me, learning to let myself trust is a huge task.

Building trust is a process and for victims of abuse it can be a long and difficult process.

It is going to take a lot of courage for me to look past what I have been through and to trust someone new not to put me through it again.

Every time I seem to allow myself to trust someone and to believe in them I get hurt all over again. I have had my heart broken so many times that I am not sure I will ever be able to trust someone fully.

I distance myself from people for a reason. I distance myself to try to stop myself getting hurt, but it is a lonely place.

All I want is to be able to believe in someone. To trust that the people who say they are here for me are not going to leave the second things get hard. Sometimes I give in and I let someone in, a mistake I have made too many times. I keep getting hurt.

I know my recovery is hard for others to cope with, but it is harder for me to cope with. All I ask is for people to be patient with me and for them to be honest. I am scared and feeling let down and alone.

I need some support, I long for support, but it is going to take me a lot of courage to trust someone again. It takes more strength to let someone help me than it does to push them away.

Learning to trust again is not the hardest part for me, finding a person with enough patience to teach me is.

I do not trust easily so if I tell you that I trust you please don’t make me regret it.

Trust is a nightmare for abuse victims. Trust creates a bond, a bond that many of us victims have never experienced.  It creates a bond that we long for more than anything in the world but one that scares us to death as it makes us vulnerable.

Trust is worse than all the monsters from my past. Trust is vulnerability.

Trust is a shattered mirror and it is hurting me as I try to put it back together.

Every time I try cracks appear in the reflection.

I don’t think those cracks will ever disappear.

Thanks for reading.

4 thoughts on “Trust is a shattered mirror.

  1. Hi Gemma
    Thanks for helping me understand how hard it is for you to trust….it makes perfect sense. You are so very brave to continue to reach out in hope, and I pray that the community of people who read your blog , and decide to respond, will continue to support and encourage you until you realize that you don’t need us anymore!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi there, you are right, actions speak louder than words. I hope one day you’ll find people you can trust who will not let you down. Take each day at a time as you make your journey as you try to make sense of why you have been so let down, I am thinking of you.

    Like

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