My butterflies are dying.

brokenbutterfly_by_celairen-d5pbv02Have you ever been so sad that you can’t even cry? You just sit there staring into space, thinking about how sad you really are.

Until this moment I never understood how hard it is to lose something you have never had. I never knew what a broken heart truly felt like. I thought I did but I was wrong.

I never knew such pain could exist without physical harm. It is a pain in your stomach that feels like all the butterflies are dying and although I saw it coming it still hurts.

Rejection hurts. It makes you feel like you aren’t good enough.

She has no idea how worthless she has made me feel. She does not care that she hurt me and that alone hurts so much. What did I do wrong? Why aren’t I good enough?

My mother is the first person who broke my heart and for the rest of my life she will always be the one who hurt me the most. I am not sure how I am meant to live with that.

Nothing hurts more than being disappointed by the person you never thought would hurt you. I know she doesn’t love me, I know she doesn’t care, but my heart doesn’t understand.  My mother betrayed me. My mother is the one who has broken my heart and it hurts.

She has hurt me more than I deserve and I have loved her more than she deserves, I feel like such a fool.

I have been holding on to something that I knew would never happen because somewhere deep down inside me I had this little piece of hope that someday she would love me, that someday we would have the mother/daughter relationship I have longed for my whole life….but we won’t.

All I wanted was to be wanted. All I wanted was for her to fight for me. I needed her and she left me alone and after twenty years the realisation of her betrayal hurts.

I hurt so much. I don’t know where exactly I hurt. It is like a dull ache. I have a hole in my chest, an empty feeling as I realise how easily she wrote me off.

I feel like my heart is shattering into a million pieces and I can’t cope with the pain. It is like having broken ribs. On the outside you look fine but every breath hurts. It is like the moment when you can actually feel pain in your chest from seeing or hearing something that upsets you.

How do you remove someone from your heart? I don’t want to care about her or what she has done anymore.

Sometimes I feel so sad that I completely shut down. It is like it doesn’t matter what you say to me because in that moment I don’t exist. The sadness takes over and I feel like my heart is about to explode. There is no magic cure and there is no making it go away forever. Sometimes your heart needs time to accept what your mind already knows but how long does that take? What if I feel this way for the rest of my life?

I am not sure if I ever really loved her or if I just loved the idea of her, but it still hurts. No-one will ever understand how much it hurts, my own mother not loving me enough to protect me from that monster. No-one will ever understand the pain I am in at this moment and how much my heart aches.

They say time can heal a broken heart but letting go of her is letting go of my heart and the one person I wanted to love me. The one person who was meant to love me.

I guess it is my own fault. I am the one who cared too much. I am the one who wanted her to love me so badly that I didn’t let go sooner.

True pain is loving someone so much and them not loving you back.

Maybe I have broken my own heart by loving her. Maybe I am breaking my own heart by walking away from her but I have to free myself. She has broken my heart more than any words that I can write down could ever explain and I cannot let her break it again.

A butterfly with broken wings never flies again.

My butterflies are dying, their wings are breaking and I don’t know how to make them fly again.

Thanks for reading.

4 thoughts on “My butterflies are dying.

  1. Dear Gemma
    I feel compelled to write to you. I am deeply moved by your pain and suffering, and I am so very sorry that you have had to endure so much, and at such a tender age. You didn’t deserve any of it, and indeed you were betrayed by those who should have been protecting you! Despicable! Disgusting! Heartbreaking! Pathetic! But for me to call them names doesn’t change anything for you…you still have to fight the lie yourself….The great big lie that you deserved to be abused and mistreated. Please don’t succumb to it, please don’t surrender any more time to listening to it…it is a LIE!!!!!!!!!!! You have been created (like all of us!) to be a great blessing to the world….your mistreatment doesn’t nullify that! You still have a lot to give…and this blog may be the beginning. Your honesty, vulnerability, and humility are astounding! You have been to hell…and you’re ‘still standing’! You have much to say to many who (sadly) walk a similar path. Despite your deep, overwhelming pain, you obviously have hope that there is something better…you won’t give up believing that- because it’s TRUE!!! You are not a mistake…you are worthwhile and precious….and most powerful of all…you are an OVERCOMER!!!!!!!!!!!! I think you’re awesome, and I thank you for your perseverance (despite great struggle and opposition), to keep moving forward. Even if it doesn’t feel like it at times…you are indeed fearless , and a strength and encouragement to others coming behind you. Please take good care of yourself: get good counselling if you can, and be patient with your recovery. I am cheering for you, and believe goodness and mercy are coming your way!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Carrie,

      Thank you so much for your kind, heartfelt words. You nearly made me cry!
      Your support and comforting words means a lot to me, especially right now as I am struggling with the pain and betrayal.
      I do keep going…I don’t know how…but I do…because I hope that my experience can help others who have been through what I have. I guess it is the only thing keeping me going right now as well as people like you who offer such kind words.

      Thank you for taking the time to read this piece and also for taking the time to comment.
      It really does mean so much.

      Take Care. Xx

      Like

  2. Gemma this is a very raw and powerful piece of writing. I too struggle with my feelings around my mom and recently decided to walk away for the second time because the pain following every encounter is too hard to bear. I haven’t been able to write about it yet but after reading your story I think I will. There is healing in sharing our stories and finding common threads. Thank you for sharing. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Tracey.

      I am sorry you are also struggling with feelings around your mum. If you want to try and write about it I can read it for you if you like.
      I am happy to offer support as you have done for me.

      Thinking of you xxx

      Liked by 1 person

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