Today I am tired of trying. Today I feel like giving up.
I am tired of being hurt. I am tired of faking a smile. I am tired of letting people down. I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of pretending to be happy when I am in pain.
I am tired of feeling like I am not moving fast enough on this journey.
How do I find the courage to speak for those who have no voice when I can barely find my own voice?
I am scared to begin to tell my story properly and I am scared about reporting him. I want to report him. I have to report him. However, I am not ready to take that step yet. I am not strong enough.
People say true strength comes from within. I have used so much of mine already that I am not sure how much more I have to give.
I am slowly sinking. I am slowly giving up. I have hit a wall. I am done being strong.
People say I am brave.
Bravery is ready to face and endure the danger of pain. It is showing courage.
I don’t feel brave.
How do I find my courage? How do I become brave?
I am confined by the walls my mind has built up and I am afraid to let my heart tear them down.
I am afraid to let people in. I am afraid to trust people and let them help me. I am afraid to cry and afraid to feel. I am afraid to let my emotions out.
I am at a crossroads in my journey. I have to make a choice; to give up, to stop fighting and to hide away or to trust my journey and to keep moving forward.
I have been knocked down, lower than I have ever been before but maybe that means I will be able to stand up taller than I ever have before.
To get through the hardest journey we only have to take one step at a time. I may not be there yet but I am closer than I was yesterday.
I have survived a lot of things, seen things I never wanted to see. I have experienced things a child should never have to experience and I survived, so maybe I can survive this.
No matter how much I want to, I am not giving up, not today. I have to find my voice. I have to try.
Courage is not the absence of fear. Without fear there is no courage. Courage is not always the loudest voice, but the quietest voice saying they will try again tomorrow.
Being brave is to fight for what you believe in, to follow your heart. It is to continue your life when you want to die. It is admitting you are scared.
I am scared. I admit it. I am terrified of this journey. It becomes more painful every day.
Living takes courage. Courage is finding your voice.
After twenty years of being silenced, I have to find my voice.
I have to be a voice, my voice, not their echo.
Thanks for reading.