For me the worst kind of pain is when you smile to stop the tears from falling. The worst kind of pain is emotional. The pain that others can’t see.
People see the smile on your face and think you are OK. They see you go about your day and they do not realise that inside you are screaming out for help. That you just want the chance to break down and cry.
Crying. That one thing I have never allowed myself to do.
Friends try to help. They say that this pain will end. When? When will it end?!
Today is a bad day.
Today it does not feel like this pain will ever go away. Today the pain I feel inside is unbearable. Today the pain and sadness I feel inside make me wish I could just disappear.
Every time my chest rises so that I can take a breath, the sadness I feel inside rises with it. It starts to consume me and I feel like I must not breathe, so that I can keep the sadness locked away…. But I can only hold my breath for a little while. Then my chest rises again and with it the sadness.
My head hurts. I know it is from trying to block this pain and sadness out but I can’t help it. I don’t want to feel it, so I fight it.
I don’t want to remember what he did to me. The memories hurt. I close my eyes and try so hard to push them away, but the more I do the more my head hurts.
I am beginning to feel overwhelmed. I feel a lot of different emotions today. Sadness, anger, fear, pain. I cannot separate them out. They are all hitting me at once and I don’t know what to do.
I feel like my heart is literally hurting. I can feel the pain in my chest. I don’t want to cry. Not here. Not alone. My eyes hurt.
People tell me not to give up, but how much more suffering do I have to endure until this is all over? I am not sure I can cope with much more.
Sometimes, on bad days like today, I wish for death to take me. I think it must be easier than living in this pain every day. But then I think of the ones I love. My husband and the friends who have become my family, the ones who want to fight for me and I know I cannot let them down. I know I have to fight, if not for me right now then for them. I think of other victims of abuse and know I have to be their voice. That I have to fight for them. But oh, how I feel death would be easier on days like today.
How can I make this sadness go away? I feel like my heart is breaking.
I go for a run to try and clear my head. Nope. That doesn’t work.
I write, put my thoughts onto paper. That doesn’t work either.
I want to message a close friend, but I don’t want to be a burden.
Maybe sleep will help. I know when I close my eyes my abusers face will be there but I have to try. I hardly ever sleep anymore. I am so tired.
If sleep doesn’t work then I know I will cut. I have to find a way to make this pain go away, just for a little while. Physical pain I can control. Even though I know it will only help for a little while, physical pain is better than this heartbreak.
I am frustrated. Why is today such a bad day? Why has all this emotion suddenly taken hold of me and why can’t I control it?
I know I need to cry, I want to cry. I want to release all this pain and sadness I feel inside….but will that make me weak? Who will comfort me when I break? I know I cannot do this alone….but I do not want to burden others.
I am scared. I am not sure how much more of this pain I can take.
I feel like I am falling deeper and deeper into this sad, dark place that never ends.
People say I should not let this pain define me. That I should own it. But they do not tell me how. How do I own the pain of twenty years of abuse and betrayal? How do I cope with every new memory that brings more pain and sadness and fear? I just don’t know.
With every memory or flashback, I feel empty, yet at the same time I feel so much pain.
The truth is pain changes people. Pain is changing me and that terrifies me. I don’t know who I am anymore.
The thing that scares me the most is that the cure for this pain that I am in is in the pain itself and letting myself feel it.
I don’t want to give up. I want to fight. I have to fight. I have to keep going. I will find strength in my pain. I have to. I am just exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel.
Yes, today is a bad day. Yes, sometimes I do want to disappear, but all I really want is to be found.
Behind my smile my heart is breaking. Behind my laugh I am falling apart. Look closer at me and you will see that this girl I am…. She isn’t me.
Thanks for reading.