Sometimes nightmares are real too.

nightmare endsPeople always tell me dreams do come true. I wonder, do those people know that nightmares come true too?

You see, I don’t just have nightmares when I sleep, I rarely sleep right now. I have nightmares every day. I live in a nightmare.

My nightmares are my memories. My nightmares are my flashbacks. My nightmares are my triggers. My nightmares are cutting myself to escape the pain and sadness for just a little while.

My worst enemy is my memory.

I wonder if the people who believe in dreams coming true, would still believe if they lived just one day in my shoes.  Maybe they would, maybe they are stronger than I am, maybe they would be able to forget the nightmares and still believe in dreams….but I can’t. I don’t. I wish I could. I want a dream so much that sometimes it hurts.

I think maybe I used to believe in dreams. I must have had some beautiful dreams as a young child. I must have. Every child has dreams right? The thing is, I don’t remember, I can’t remember.

I remember nothing from the day before my twelfth birthday. The day he first laid his hands on me. Nothing. No good memory of my childhood before that day. No good dreams I may have had as a young child. The only memories I have are of abuse. Of the darkness.

Believe me, I have tried. I try so hard to remember something good that sometimes my head hurts. I just can’t do it.

It scares me. It scares me that I have no memory of good times or good dreams. It scares me because it shows me just how terrible what they did to me was. I am becoming consumed by what they did to me. Every new memory is another nightmare.

I saw a quote today “Dreams are whispers from your soul”. Does that mean that because I am living this nightmare, that because I cannot dream good dreams or forget my memories, that my soul is dark? Does it mean I am a bad person? I feel like a bad person.

Sometimes I think that if people could read my mind and see what is in my head, see my memories and my nightmares, that they would be traumatized for life….But then who wants to know what is in my head? Who really wants to know what he, what they, did to me? It is not like people would want to listen to something so horrible.

I wish I could have one night without my nightmares.

Every time I sleep he is there. His face. What he did. Every time I sleep they are there. What they did. Not their faces though, not yet, I just see them and what they did.

It used to be that when I would sleep my nightmare would be the same each time. Something that had not happened but still about him, about him getting me now.

Now, when I close my eyes, my nightmare is him, them, and memories. Memories of things that did happen becoming entwined with the nightmare of him getting me now.

I wake in fear. Fear that he will get me again. Fear that it happened. Fear that I can remember.

The sleeping tablets no longer work. They just mean I cannot wake myself up as easily. So, I don’t take them. I try to stay awake as long as possible, but it never works. Tiredness takes over and so does the nightmare I can’t control.

I wish I could have one day without my nightmares. One day without a trigger, or a flashback, or a new memory.

I used to be able to. The cutting used to help. It doesn’t anymore. I try, believe me I try; I cut so hard sometimes just willing for it to work for a little while and take the pain away, take the sadness away, but it doesn’t anymore. Not really.

I can hear a voice, an accent, and be triggered. I can smell a smell, a bubble bath perhaps, and get a flashback. I can be sat trying to forget, yet a new memory will pop into my head. Then it is there. Permanently etched in my brain and nothing I can do will make it go away.

I call my memories, my flashbacks and my triggers my daymares. I have no other way to describe them, other than it literally feels like I am living day to day in a nightmare.

I know I need to tell someone about the abuse and what they all did to me, but who wants to listen to something like that? I feel so alone sometimes, with what they did to me in my head. I feel so frightened.

Sometimes I wonder if this nightmare I am living in will ever end but it is hard to wake up from a nightmare if you aren’t even asleep.

I guess to chase your dreams, you have to first encounter and overcome your nightmares… but what do you do if you have no dreams? What if you just have nightmares? What then?

Thanks for reading.

8 thoughts on “Sometimes nightmares are real too.

  1. You are so brave. My story is almost exactly the same as your except I was a little younger when it started. You’re an inspiration and so much more courageous than I ever thought about being. Thank you for saying what so many of us cant.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Courtney and thank you for reading.

      I am so sorry you have been through something similar. Please follow my blog and I hope it may help you see you are not alone.

      I am not sure I am an inspiration. I have only just begun this journey and have not had the courage yet to go to the police, but I hope that I can find that courage and become a voice for all of us.

      Thank you for your kind words. Your words make me want to fight when I have my bad days.

      Please follow my blog or message me on my facebook page if you wish.
      I would like to support you too.

      Xx

      Like

  2. Thank you for your message. You are so brave. You are definitely not alone. Unfortunately, I know many others who have these nightmares and daymares. Some are people I love dearly, some are former classmates, some I have met at a weekend retreat. I wish that I could make these memories go away. I have prayed for them to pass, but now…now they affect me since I have witnessed these nightmares and episodes. I yearn for healing for the survivors and for the secondary victims.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Jill for your kind words. I do not feel brave. Not really. I just know I have to start to speak up.

      I hope by doing so I can help others and myself heal and tell our stories.

      Please follow my blog/fb page. I would love to hear how your friends and yourself are managing.

      Thank you for reading.
      Xx

      Like

  3. You are braver than you know, many people care and will listen if you give them the chance.
    Best of luck with your journey, when you feel strong enough take the next step … no one has the right to take your innocence and feelings of safety.
    Thank you for sharing your story.
    May the angels wrap you in their wings and watch over you always.
    Perhaps looking the healing powers of essential oils.

    Like

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