You see, I don’t just have nightmares when I sleep, I rarely sleep right now. I have nightmares every day. I live in a nightmare.
My nightmares are my memories. My nightmares are my flashbacks. My nightmares are my triggers. My nightmares are cutting myself to escape the pain and sadness for just a little while.
My worst enemy is my memory.
I wonder if the people who believe in dreams coming true, would still believe if they lived just one day in my shoes. Maybe they would, maybe they are stronger than I am, maybe they would be able to forget the nightmares and still believe in dreams….but I can’t. I don’t. I wish I could. I want a dream so much that sometimes it hurts.
I think maybe I used to believe in dreams. I must have had some beautiful dreams as a young child. I must have. Every child has dreams right? The thing is, I don’t remember, I can’t remember.
I remember nothing from the day before my twelfth birthday. The day he first laid his hands on me. Nothing. No good memory of my childhood before that day. No good dreams I may have had as a young child. The only memories I have are of abuse. Of the darkness.
Believe me, I have tried. I try so hard to remember something good that sometimes my head hurts. I just can’t do it.
It scares me. It scares me that I have no memory of good times or good dreams. It scares me because it shows me just how terrible what they did to me was. I am becoming consumed by what they did to me. Every new memory is another nightmare.
I saw a quote today “Dreams are whispers from your soul”. Does that mean that because I am living this nightmare, that because I cannot dream good dreams or forget my memories, that my soul is dark? Does it mean I am a bad person? I feel like a bad person.
Sometimes I think that if people could read my mind and see what is in my head, see my memories and my nightmares, that they would be traumatized for life….But then who wants to know what is in my head? Who really wants to know what he, what they, did to me? It is not like people would want to listen to something so horrible.
I wish I could have one night without my nightmares.
Every time I sleep he is there. His face. What he did. Every time I sleep they are there. What they did. Not their faces though, not yet, I just see them and what they did.
It used to be that when I would sleep my nightmare would be the same each time. Something that had not happened but still about him, about him getting me now.
Now, when I close my eyes, my nightmare is him, them, and memories. Memories of things that did happen becoming entwined with the nightmare of him getting me now.
I wake in fear. Fear that he will get me again. Fear that it happened. Fear that I can remember.
The sleeping tablets no longer work. They just mean I cannot wake myself up as easily. So, I don’t take them. I try to stay awake as long as possible, but it never works. Tiredness takes over and so does the nightmare I can’t control.
I wish I could have one day without my nightmares. One day without a trigger, or a flashback, or a new memory.
I used to be able to. The cutting used to help. It doesn’t anymore. I try, believe me I try; I cut so hard sometimes just willing for it to work for a little while and take the pain away, take the sadness away, but it doesn’t anymore. Not really.
I can hear a voice, an accent, and be triggered. I can smell a smell, a bubble bath perhaps, and get a flashback. I can be sat trying to forget, yet a new memory will pop into my head. Then it is there. Permanently etched in my brain and nothing I can do will make it go away.
I call my memories, my flashbacks and my triggers my daymares. I have no other way to describe them, other than it literally feels like I am living day to day in a nightmare.
I know I need to tell someone about the abuse and what they all did to me, but who wants to listen to something like that? I feel so alone sometimes, with what they did to me in my head. I feel so frightened.
Sometimes I wonder if this nightmare I am living in will ever end but it is hard to wake up from a nightmare if you aren’t even asleep.
I guess to chase your dreams, you have to first encounter and overcome your nightmares… but what do you do if you have no dreams? What if you just have nightmares? What then?
Thanks for reading.