I have lost you. A letter to myself. Part one.

lost 5Dear me,

I never should have told you how I really feel. Things were much easier when you were “fine”. Why did I let myself tell you otherwise? Why did I stop pretending and decide to face things?

Now I hate you. I hate you so much it makes me mad at you! I hate you for not being OK anymore.  You have always been OK. You have always coped. I knew it was a mistake telling you otherwise.

I hate you for having Depression. I hate you for being sad all the time. Why can’t you just pull yourself together like a normal person?!

I hate you for having Anxiety. I hate you for being scared to leave the house, even when it is just to pop to the shops or see your friends. You were always so social.

I hate you for having PTSD. I hate you for getting flashbacks that you don’t want to remember. Why can’t you just forget?!

I hate that you are weak. That you cannot forget the past. That every new memory brings new pain. I am not sure you can handle any more pain.

I hate that you wake me up at 3am every morning because of a nightmare. You are so tired all the time.

I hate that you have had to take time off work because you can’t cope right now. Does that make you a failure?

I hate that you won’t let me cry when crying is all you want to do!

I hate that you self-harm. Who would love someone who cuts themselves?

I hate that sometimes you make me wish you could die just to make the pain go away.

I hate that I can’t escape you. That you takeover all the good in my life right now.

Most of all I hate that you think you deserve this pain. That the abuse was your fault, when deep down you know it wasn’t. Deep down you know that you don’t deserve this pain.

I hate that you think you are not good enough. That you do not deserve to be loved. You do… I think.

I hate that you feel worthless. That you feel asking for help makes you a burden.

I hate that you are at war with yourself every minute of every day.

I hate that you are scared to trust your heart, when you know deep down that finally you can.

I hate that you have lost yourself. That you no longer know who you are.

However, dear me, I want you to know that it is OK to ask for help. That it is OK to feel the pain and to cry. I want you to know that I will fight for you. I will be strong for you. I will get justice for you.

I want you to know that you deserve happiness. You deserve to be loved, even though it doesn’t feel like it right now.

I want you to know that even though it has been broken before over and over, that you can trust your heart and that you can finally let people in. You have to try. Promise me you will try.

I guess it is true what they say. Pain changes people.

Pain has changed you… I have lost you…. but I will find you again one day.

It may take me a while, but I will. I promise.

That day will be the day I write to tell you that I love you.

For now, just believe in yourself.

Love, me.

Thanks for reading.

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