No amount of sleep in the world could cure the tiredness I feel today.
Insomnia kept me awake again last night. Either that or the fear of having another nightmare. I am exhausted. My body aches and my eyes are so sore. I want to stay in bed all day.
My body feels heavy. I feel physically drained as I try to get out of bed. I don’t want to get dressed today. Today I want to stay in bed and do nothing.
I feel myself start to get agitated and angry with myself. I should be able to deal with this, with all these feelings. I should be able to talk myself into doing something, anything, but even the thought of getting dressed makes me feel exhausted. I have no motivation.
Each day is becoming more of a struggle. I am broken. I feel so broken that I can feel it. I mean physically feel it. I know that sounds weird to people on the outside, but I feel it. This is becoming so much more than sadness now. It is starting to affect my whole body.
I am confused, lonely, useless. I feel rejected. Why am I never good enough? Why do they not want to fight for me? I am a mistake and a burden, that’s why.
I feel worthless. I hate myself. I have no right to feel so sad and depressed when there are others who have things so much worse than I do! I feel guilty. Why can’t I control this?! I am selfish.
I tell people I am tired, but I am depressed. I tell them I will be fine in a few days, but I know I will be worse. I lie and tell them I am fine, but I am not fine.
I am tired of pretending I am OK. I am tired of hiding the way I really feel. I am tired of feeling so many feelings all at once. Sadness, Anger, Fear, Pain, Guilt, Loneliness. Sometimes I just feel empty. Like I have no purpose here.
I am tired of feeling trapped in my own mind. Of feeling hopeless and like everyone would be better off without me.
I am tired of holding in my tears and never letting myself cry. All I want to do is cry. All I want to do is let myself break down and cry everything away. Just once.
Most of all, I am tired of feeling so much pain inside that makes me feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces.
It hurts that I can’t be what everyone wants. It hurts that I can’t be what I want. What I need. Because I am not enough. I won’t ever be enough. I will never even be close to enough. It hurts so much that I am struggling to cope, but I will still put on my fake smile.
Isn’t it sad when you get hurt so much, you can finally say “I’m used to it”.
Thanks for reading.