It hurts, but it’s OK. I’m used to it.

broken

No amount of sleep in the world could cure the tiredness I feel today.

Insomnia kept me awake again last night. Either that or the fear of having another nightmare. I am exhausted. My body aches and my eyes are so sore. I want to stay in bed all day.

My body feels heavy. I feel physically drained as I try to get out of bed. I don’t want to get dressed today.  Today I want to stay in bed and do nothing.

I feel myself start to get agitated and angry with myself. I should be able to deal with this, with all these feelings. I should be able to talk myself into doing something, anything, but even the thought of getting dressed makes me feel exhausted. I have no motivation.

Each day is becoming more of a struggle. I am broken. I feel so broken that I can feel it. I mean physically feel it. I know that sounds weird to people on the outside, but I feel it. This is becoming so much more than sadness now. It is starting to affect my whole body.

I am confused, lonely, useless. I feel rejected. Why am I never good enough? Why do they not want to fight for me? I am a mistake and a burden, that’s why.

I feel worthless. I hate myself. I have no right to feel so sad and depressed when there are others who have things so much worse than I do! I feel guilty. Why can’t I control this?! I am selfish.

I tell people I am tired, but I am depressed. I tell them I will be fine in a few days, but I know I will be worse. I lie and tell them I am fine, but I am not fine.

I am tired of pretending I am OK. I am tired of hiding the way I really feel. I am tired of feeling so many feelings all at once. Sadness, Anger, Fear, Pain, Guilt, Loneliness. Sometimes I just feel empty. Like I have no purpose here.

I am tired of feeling trapped in my own mind. Of feeling hopeless and like everyone would be better off without me.

I am tired of holding in my tears and never letting myself cry. All I want to do is cry. All I want to do is let myself break down and cry everything away. Just once.

Most of all, I am tired of feeling so much pain inside that makes me feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces.

It hurts that I can’t be what everyone wants. It hurts that I can’t be what I want. What I need. Because I am not enough. I won’t ever be enough. I will never even be close to enough. It hurts so much that I am struggling to cope, but I will still put on my fake smile.

Isn’t it sad when you get hurt so much, you can finally say “I’m used to it”.

Thanks for reading.

4 thoughts on “It hurts, but it’s OK. I’m used to it.

  1. Gemma I’ve just read through all your posts. My “like” is for your courage in sharing your story, not what you are going through. I applaud the raw honesty of your posts. It’s hard at first to put yourself out there and wonder whether or not you will be heard.

    There is a fantastic community of survivors with WordPress blogs. I hope you are able to connect with us. I know for me, aside from sharing my story, the biggest benefit I’ve received since I started blogging in May has been connecting with other survivors as they truly are for me the only people who “get it”.

    We are here for you 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Tracey. Your words mean a lot to me…I didn’t even think my writing was that good.

      I am afraid of this journey I am on. I am scared I won’t make it. That I won’t be strong enough.

      Thank you for your kind words. They really do mean so much.
      ♡♡

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I know, I used to feel like I wouldn’t make it either. But I’m still here and so are you. I have a friend who I supported when she didn’t feel like going on and she did the same for me. Do you have someone you can lean on when you are feeling scared? I’m here any time you need someone to listen. One of my biggest challenges/triggers is feeling like I’m not being heard. Like no one is listening. It helped to find someone who did, who I could call at anytime. You are strong. It takes a tremendous amount of strength to write about your journey.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you.

        I do have someone who is willing to listen and to help me. I have never cried over what happened but I feel I am getting to that point of crying and that terrifies me. I know it is going to let even more pain in and will make everything real.

        I also blocked out a lot of memories over the years he was been abusing me and now they are all flooding back and I am so scared.

        I am still being emotionally abused by my family too so that adds to things.

        I am trying to stay strong and to start to tell my story. I am hoping I will become strong enough to report my abuser(s). I tried as a child but my family supported him. I will write a piece on that when I feel a bit stronger.

        Thank you for your support. It really does mean a lot to me. I am always here to listen to you too.

        Thank you xxxx

        Liked by 1 person

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